Parenting with the Wrong Heart

O Most Holy Father,

I humble myself at Your feet. I am humbled at the very thought of being allowed into the presence of the Creator of the Universe. I am in awe as I remember that You have told me I am Your chosen. I am beloved by You, made holy by You. (Colossians 3:12)

Despite how low I sense I must go in the presence of my King, there is an irony in my life. I am far too apt to exalt myself when I interact with a certain child in our family. Your word says that "The way of the sensible is to understand his way" (Proverbs 14:8) As I assess my own way, something is clear and something is wrong. Right now I am too likely to be haughty in my thoughts toward this kiddo. I look for the worst in this child and, inevitably, find something with which to find fault. Once I've zeroed in on what I want changed in my child, then I bring a sense of...well...quiet disgust to my words of correction  I can only guess that it must wear heavily to live under a continual cloud of your mother's disapproval.

O, Lord, I beg for Your help. I know this cycle is sin. I am casting Your words behind me rather than living Your way. Lord, I want to truly turn away from looking down on my kiddo. I want to love my child. I want to be downright zealous in my affection for my child. I beg You to help me. I need You, Jesus. I cannot crawl out of this miry pit on my own. I plead for the great grace of repentance. I ask for a broken heart. I implore You to undo what I've become and remake me to be like Your son -- kind, gentle, compassionate, humble. O, Lord, please help me.

"Patience of spirit is better than haughtiness of spirit.
 Do not be eager in your heart to be angry
 for anger resides in the bosom of fools."
~Ecclesiastes 7:8b-9

What We All Long For...

Our family begins each morning by gathering to read a Psalm. We then read the chapter of Proverbs that corresponds with the date of the month. Thus today we read Proverbs 19 since it is December 19th.

When we get to this particular chapter each month, a little phrase inevitably pricks me:

"What is desirable in a man is his kindness" 

(Proverbs 19:22 NASB)

 

Here's what author John Kitchen has to say in his outstanding commentary Proverbs:

"That which people long to find true in those they associate with is 'kindness.' This translates the rich Hebrew word hesed. The term is descriptive of covenant love and faithfulness. It is a mercy, kindness, love and compassion that flows from an unalterable commitment made to another. It is not hard to see why this is a quality desirable in those with whom one builds relationships. Ultimately, this is God's kind of love for those who trust in Him." (pg. 428)

The reason the words, "What is desirable in a man is his kindness," act as a thorn each month is that I find it all too easy to expect "mercy, love and compassion" from others while being slow to dole out those same expressions of graciousness myself. The worst part is that my own home is where I'm least likely to demonstrate the wonder of the "hesed", dying-to-self love that this proverb promotes. Instead, I'm much more likely to bark out commands to my children as though I am a captain desperately trying to keep my ship afloat.

So as we quickly approach Christmas, I want to remember the babe in the manger. I want to remember the baby who grew into the man who lived love. I want to remember His mercy in my life. His love for this wretched sinner. His compassion when my heart aches or I stumble and hurt. I want to remember that the baby whose birth we celebrate this season is the long-awaited Messiah whose rich "hesed" love resulted in Him hanging from the cross, uttering the words, "Forgive them, Lord" about the very ones who were crucifying Him. I want to remember...

When I keep my Savior's sacrificial love in front of me it is much easier to move through my days seeing my children as treasures to be cherished. I'm much more likely to be a gentle, tender mom who showers kindness on those closest to her. I want to live like Jesus. I want to love like Christ. I want to be kind to all with whom I come in contact, starting with my own children. After all, what is desirable in me is kindness.

Lord, Lead Me Away

The gardens of Clivden estate, Buckinghamshire, England--2008 

Lord, lead me away from who I've become. Save my children from what I have done.

I have discipled my children in the wrong thing...a love of the world rather than a love of the Maker of the World. I have modeled pride before these precious gifts from You (Psalm 127)...and then pointed an accusing finger when they demonstrate arrogance. I have been irritated in front of them and then gotten mad when they demonstrate anger.

I am a profoundly proud woman who names the name of Christ and yet depends on self, values self, flaunts self, seeks to protect self. My words and my "walk" do not match. I am a hypocrite. Christ's word for the hypocrite? Some of the strongest He ever spoke, "Woe to you, hypocrite...!" (Matthew 23)

O, Jesus, have mercy on me. I am a sinner. I am desperately wicked and my sin is counter to everything in You that is holy. I need a Saviour. I need a Saviour, Jesus. I need You, Jesus.

I have counted myself worthy. I am not worthy. I am wicked. Only You, Jesus, are worthy. Worthy is the blood of the Lamb who was slain! Worthy is the blood of the Lamb who was slain that my sins might be paid for...a debt I could never repay. Jesus, You are holy. You are mighty. You are meek. You are humble. You are gentle. You are God. You are the only path to redemption.

Please forgive me, Great God. I have stained Your reputation in front of my own children. I have poured sin on Your beauty in front of their very eyes. I am a very broken vessel that has claimed to be the finest of silver. Such sin! Such arrogance. Please forgive me, Lord God Almighty!

You are Truth. You are Good. Only You are Good. I am vile and in love with myself. Please, Lord, slay self in me. Please put self to death and raise up Christ the King in the void. Please slay the Me in me and bring others, especially my own precious children, to Life through Your Son's resurrection from the dead.

You are my God.
You are my King.
You are my Master.

Please, Jesus, lead me away from what I've become. Please, Jesus, unself me and rip from me the cords of the sins I've embraced. Lead me, Jesus, that I might be be transformed into Your image...that I might be a conduit of Your grace in my children's lives. Please, Jesus, lead me...

Our Adoption: Urgent Prayer Request

At the orphanage -- September 2012
Our little girl is the one in the middle!

We would be so grateful if you would pray one simple prayer for us perseveringly until we get news that God has answered our collective cry.

Please pray that we will get a court date before the end of the year. We were told this week by our adoption service provider that this will be nearly impossible. She also informed my husband, Jim, that if our case goes into the next calendar year, many of our documents will have to be redone simply because the year 2013 now appears at the top of the calendar. This redoing of paperwork is not a quick process. The cost in time is likely to slow down our ability to bring home our four siblings by two to three months.

So, please, would you cry out to the Father of the Fatherless that He would do the impossible for us--yet again and give us a court date in Russia before January 1? After all, "For nothing will be impossible with God." (Luke 1:27). In your prayers, you partner with us in orphan care (James 1:27)! Thank you, we simply couldn't do what we do with out an enourmous prayer team!

Learning to Love, Part 2a--"Self-Sacrifice"

A restaurant in which my husband and daughter, Lissie, ate a couple of weeks ago in a Central Asian capitol.
Like this beautiful ceiling, I want my love for others to be lavish and rich

 

As I said in Part 1 of this series of posts, I want to share Paul Tripp's wisdom when it comes to a biblical understanding of a very misunderstood concept--love. Here's his definition:

"Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving."

Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect??, Crossway; pg 188--hardback

For me, this definition comes at my soul with pricks and pokes. This isn't really how I want love to work. I want love to be about me. I want attention to be focused on my needs and my wants. In fact, I want to be the center of attention.

However, Tripp makes it painfully clear that there is no such thing as self-focused "love." In his book, Tripp not only defines love. He carefully breaks down each of the thoughts embedded in his scripturally-based definition. Today we'll look at love being an act of self-sacrifice, which, of course, is as far as you can get from the selfish, self-focused "love" our culture touts and which, truthfully, my natural self craves.

"Love is willing self-sacrifice. There's no such thing as love without sacrifice. Love calls you beyond the borders of your own wants, needs, and feelings. Love calls you to be willing to invest time, energy, money, resources, personal ability and gifts for the good of another. Love calls you to serve, to wait, to give, to suffer, to forgive, and to do all these things again and again." (pg.188) 

I mentioned in my last post that Tripp's book is on the subject of marriage. As things so often are in God's economy, the choices I must make to have a strong, healthy, delight-filled marriage are the very same choices that will enable me to be the parent which I long to be.

Whether my focus in any particular moment is on my husband or my children, I cannot do what Tripp lays out as he expounds on the term self-sacrifice. I can't. Not without help anyway. Thankfully, I have a Saviour who has promised me the very strength I need to die--to self that is. All I have to do is ask. Experience--28 years as a wife and 22 years as a mother--tells me that I will, however, have to ask again and again and again and... But God sets no limits on His willingness to come to our aid in our desire to walk in a manner worthy of the gospel.

Paul Tripp has more to say about the concept of loving self-sacrificially. I don't know about you, but I need to chew on just these few sentences for while before I'm ready for more. So, Learning to Love, Part 2b--"Self-Sacrifice" is yet to come.


Learning to Love, Part 1

A restaurant in Central Asia--May my love be large and expansive like this beautiful place!

In his book on marriage, What Did You Expect?, author Paul David Tripp shares some of the best wisdom Jim and I have read regarding getting along with people in any relationship. Period. With a family of 15 (soon to be 19 as we add four siblings through adoption), Jim and I are keenly aware of our need to live well with others!

In fact, we've taken Tripp's definition of love as our family's. He boils down so much Scripture into one powerful (and sometimes powerfully convicting!) sentence.

In the next few posts, I'm going to share Tripp's break down of each of the components of his definition. I need the reminder. If you do too, may you be blessed!

"Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the other person being loved is deserving."

Paul Tripp, Crossway, pg. 188 (hardback)

Tripp says:

"Love is willing. Jesus said, 'No one takes [my life] from me, but I lay it down of my own accord.' (John 10:18 ESV). The decisions, words, and actions of love always grow in the soil of a willing heart. You cannot force a person to love. If you are forcing someone to love, by the very nature of the act you are demonstrating that this person doesn't in fact love." (pg. 188) 

What if my heart is, when I'm really honest, unwilling? As many commandments as there are to love in the Bible (Please, if you're not familiar with them, get out your Bible and go on a hunt!), it's time to fall to my knees, confess my sin, and ask God to make me willing. And then ask again, and again, and... Just like the nagging widow (Luke 18:1-8). We know this is a prayer He will answer because we are praying for His will to be done. And, what He commands, He enables!

No Crushing Allowed!

My first grandchild, Brielle, at 3 days

We all recognize the fragility of a newborn. So tiny. So helpless. So dependent. What's easy to miss, however, is that as our bodies grow there continues to be a fragility to each person's soul. And because of the delicacy of the soul, our words have the power to hurt. Thankfully, the Lord has also given us the ability to use our words to heal.

Proverbs 15:4 (NASB) reads:
A soothing tongue is a tree of life,
But perversion in it crushes the spirit.

Bible commentator John Kitchen has this to say, "What potential lies within our words! We are endowed by our Creator with the capacity to bring either genuine, substantive help to those around us or to inflict incalculable lasting harm upon them  -- all of that by simply opening our mouths!" Proverbs, pg. 327

When I think about crushing the spirit, the picture that comes to mind is one of those monster trucks rolling over and flattening an entire line of cars in it's way as though the autombiles were nothing. I don't want my words to do that to anyone. Ironically, those easiest for me to hurt with my words are my own children. Whether its my tone or the very words themselves, I must remember the power my words have for good or grief and speak to my kiddos in a soothing way that protects their fragile souls. I'm commanded by God to build them up and encourage them, instead of tearing them down or belittling them. No crushing allowed!

One of my favorite books is the autobiographical Too Wise to Be Mistaken, Too Good to Be Unkind: Christian Parents Contend with Autism.

None of our twelve children has autism. Despite this, I have read Cathy Steere's book multiple times. As she and her husband struggle with inexplicable behaviors in their first son during his babyhood and toddler years, they determine to be consistent in lovingly training Drew to behave in socially acceptable ways. Cathy shows this same consistency in teaching the very bright little boy reading skills. She never gives up, and she never gives in. When the Steeres eventually find the right treatment plan for Drew, the willing obedience to which he has been trained makes a remarkable difference in how effective the treatment is and how quickly they witness change.

Cathy explains, "Our goal was to always consider Drew's character, and even though we were as consistent as possible and even at times weary over the lack of improvement, we never forgot our responsibility to train and mold his character. That remained our highest duty to the children God blessed us with. Scripture does not lower its standards of how man ought to behave, nor does it exempt one who is autistic...or has Attention Deficit Disorder, or Down's Syndrome, or any other disorder. God's standards, like Himself, never change. It may be more difficult for some to reach certain standards than for others, but the standard remains." (pg. 142)

As we've taken nine older children from orphanages into our family, we've had to train each of them obey an authority figure. We had to coach them in socially and culturally acceptable behavior. We've had to teach them what it looks like to serve Christ by serving others. At times all these parenting demands have felt daunting, but Cathy Steere's example pushes me to refuse to give up and refuse to give in. Today has been a tough day in parenting a certain seven-year-old who's experimenting with two-year-old techniques for managing her parents. I'm grateful I can open Too Wise to Be Mistaken, Too Good to Be Unkind for the gentle reminders I need to stay the course.

Even if your situation is not extreme like that of the Steere's family or ours, I highly recommend Cathy's book. I believe every parent of young children would be blessed by reading this unusual opportunity to peak in on someone else's child training. And it's even on sale! (See the link above)

What is Love to My Children?

My twelve kiddos -- January 2011

As I'm pondering the nature of love--real love, not the Hollywoood version--on our approach to Valentine's Day, this quote caught my eye:

"Before we can effectively teach our children what Christ would teach, we have to teach them AS Christ would teach: gently, kindly, lovingly, patiently, persuasively, with long-suffering, not being easily provoked. We must literally be as Christ. When we teach that way, we are safe to be with. We are attractive to our children, and we attract them to us. Our words are believed, our actions emulated, and our values tend to become their values." Glenn Latham, Christlike Parenting, pg. 51.

Yikes! For me, these words stung. I realized that I tend to be a gentle, loving, long-suffering mom with some of my kids, but, sadly, not all of them--at least not enough of the time. I base my parenting all too much on my children's behavior. If a child is as obedient and mature as I would hope for his or her age, then that child gets the best out of me. But if not, then they're likely to get an exasperated, frustrated response when they do wrong. I'm all-too easily provoked.

Thanks to Dr. Latham's words, I see how my approach to parenting is terribly unlike my Savior's treatment of me. While I was yet His enemy, Christ suffered and die for me (Romans 5:8). He didn't wait for me to "get" what a sinner I was.

My kids need a Christlike mom who draws them lovingly into her Saviour's arms, not a mother who bases her patience and tenderness on their ability to measure up.

I have much to confess. I have much to pray about.

Penetrating Light

O Great God Who Sees All, Knows All and is All Wise,

Please make Jim and me aware of any sin in our home with which You know we need to deal.

Please start Your sin-illumination by showing Jim and me our "logs" (Luke 6:41). Please help the two of us to see our sin, loathe our sin, and be filled with humble self-abasement that fills us with love for You, the wrath-enduring substitute who makes our forgiveness possible.

Lord, as You shine your Light on our children's "splinters" (Luke 6:41), please fill us with Christ's compassion for the lost. Please grant that, with the Holy Spirit living in us, we might overflow with patience.

We are unworthy parents marred by rebellion against You, and yet you've blessed us with 13 children and a grandchild on the way. You are so good. Please mold us into the image of Your Son that we might parent in a way that glorifies You.

A Safe Place



Cottage on the grounds of the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, Nebraska

This morning I pulled out a book called Christlike Parenting that I read several years ago. This book has so many well-articulated insights that when I read it, I seriously "porcupined" it. (In other words, I put enough sticky tabs next to passages that caught my attention that the book looked like a porcupine by the time I finished).

I got Christlike Parenting back out because I sensed I was starting the day all too much like a real porcupine--prickly toward my children as I saw this or that wrong they'd done. I flipped open the book to one of the tabs and read. I found the Lord had led me to just the right reminder:

"As parents, it is our responsibility to create a Christlike 'world' in our homes, a safe place where children behave because they enjoy the pleasant consequences of doing so, rather than to avoid the unpleasant consequences of behaving badly. It is a world in which a child thinks 'I know my parents will appreciate me,' rather than thinking, 'I'm only doing this to get my parents off my back,' or 'I am only doing this because I don't want to get beat on' (verbally or physically)." Glenn Latham, Christlike Parenting, pg.52

I immediately thought of Proverbs 16:24:

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

I think the proverb could be paraphrased in these ways (and probably many more):

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to my child."

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the relationship."

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the family."

Words that build up and demonstrate gratitude have such power! God designed encouraging words that way, and He designed we humans to need encouragement. When we nurture our children with words, they are more likely to be attracted to us and our love of Christ, rather than being repelled by us and that which is most important to us--our Saviour. What a simple tool encouraging words are and they're always right at our disposal! But, of course, the use of any tool takes intentionality.

I finished my perusal of Latham's book begging the Lord to help me make our home the "safe place" the author describes, giving me the the will to bathe my children in words which will build them up and encourage a hunger for a personal relationship with Jesus.

(I want to state plainly that Mr. Latham shares many ideas in his book with which my husband and I DO NOT agree. For example, he does not believe in the use of the rod, while we see clear evidence that the Bible commands us to use the rod under certain circumstances and ALWAYS with a humble, anger-free heart. If you purchase the book, please pass each of the author's thoughts through the sieve of the Bible.)

"What Every Child Needs Most"

I wept as I edited these photos. I was overwhelmed as the images of my friends' devotion for their newborn grew large on my computer screen.

My wave of emotion stemmed, oddly enough, from an experience in a Russian courtroom. A little more than a year ago, my husband and I spent two days before a shrewd, droll judge, the last step in the arduous process of adopting Daria (15), Alexander (11) and Oksana (6). He repeatedly insinuated that he might not give us his approval. During the orphanage director's requisite testimony, she made a poignant statement. She locked her gaze on the judge and made it clear that she was in favor of the adoption, "At the children's home, we can give children everything they could ever need but what they need the most -- parents."

God prevailed, and the judge did make us Daria, Alexander and Oksana's parents. As that wonderful day closed, we had the opportunity to spend several hours at the orphanage with Daria and Alexander as our tour guides. The children's home astounded us. It was clean, well-equipped, and decorated with the brights colors children love. The staff dedicated themselves to creating a healing environment for their charges. The place seemingly offered everything a child could ever need. The only thing missing -- parents.

God, the Originator and Architect of the family, designed children to need tender affection and protectection from both a mother and father. Baby Caleb, whose photos I was recently priviliged to take, is fortunate to have parents united in their commitment to shelter him, teach him, train him and, probably, even suffer for him. They are devoted to Caleb's well-being and will do nearly anything to seek life's best for him. With tenacity, they'll pray and pray and pray for Caleb as they teach him about Christ and point him to the cross in their desperate hope to secure a perfect eternity for their son with Jesus as his Savior.

My friends' son is a blessed. He has what more than 147 million orphans lack. My heart aches for them as it rejoices for Caleb.

Roadblock or Bridge?

"Do not claim honor" (Proverbs 25:6a)

I've done it again. I've "claimed honor" from my kiddos. Instead of having a gentle, humble spirit when a couple of my children did wrong this morning, I blustered (albeit quietly). While I didn't directly say, "You must honor me!", my very demeanor cried out, "I deserve better. Don't make my life hard by sinning. I don't want to have to invest time and energy into setting you back on the path of right behavior. I don't want to walk this road again."

What a wrong, wrong, wrong--even ridiculous--attitude toward parenting! One of the most significant facets of my role as a mom is to meekly and lovingly help my children see their wrong choices. When I stay in the right place myself, there is some chance that they may recognize their need for a Saviour. When I become a dark storm cloud of haughty frustration, I become a roadblock to Christ, rather than a bridge. When I resent their need for correction, I'm resenting the God who made me their mother. Yikes!

A major portion of my time will, by the very nature of fallen humanity, be spent guiding my kiddos back towards God and His ways. As each new opportunity presents itself, I need to preach to myself that I'm not alone in this role. God is with me. He is Emmanuel. He is also a promise-keeping God who has said that He will give me the patience, wisdom and endurance I need, if I'll just cry out to Him. When my kids go astray--and they will--I must beseech Him for help rather than blustering! My job is not to claim honor from my children. My job is to parent them in a way that honors God.

Just a Favorite Photo

This picture was taken in fall 2009 when Joe and Lissie qualified as finalists for the National Bible Bee, which was held in Washington D.C. Lissie and her dad have had a sweet relationship since she she was just bigger than a Beanie Baby. This photo sings of that closeness to me.

Feeling Overwhelmed

I feel overwhelmed today, and I feel surprised to feel overwhelmed today.

My husband and my oldest son are home safely from a trip to a very exotic location in Central Asia to drop off our daughter, Jaynie, where she will be a homeschool helper.

Jaynie called today, and she sounds so happy. She's also updated her blog (See Z). Reading her words, she seems remarkably content and fulfilled to be where she fully believes she has been called by God.

Joe, Jaynie, and their dad just before they said their final good-bye

Our daughter, Lissie, is doing very well on her trip to St. Petersburg, Russia. She left on Saturday for an 11-day trip to minister to orphans there. (See Impassioned Purity).

An orphan who attached himself to Lissie for the day

Our oldest daughter, Anna, continues to be thrilled with her new role as wife to a man she loves passionately and respects deeply.

Walking up the aisle as brand-new husband and wife

God has been so good to our family. He has been so good to me as a mother. So why do I feel overwhelmed? I think that at least part of the answer is that with Anna happily married, Lissie's trip underway and Jaynie's settling in going above and beyond all we could have hoped for, the other 11 of us can now settle into routine.

The problem is that I no longer know what routine looks like. Since October:

• our oldest daughter has gotten engaged
• Jim and I have traveled to Russia to go to court to petition to adopt three additional children
• our entire family traveled to Moscow to spend time with the newbies, Daria, Alexander and Oksana and bring them home
• our oldest daughter has gotten married and moved 15 hours away
• our 18-year-old daughter has moved to central Asia to serve American families living there
• our 19-year-old daughter has traveled independently to St. Petersburg to minister to orphans

My energy has been so focused on holding the family together while the preps for these huge milestones were going on that I hardly remember how to have a "typical" homeschool day.

On top of that I don't really know how to proceed with Daria, Alexander and Oksana's schooling this year. They've learned so much English in the past 10 months. Yet, their vocabulary isn't full enough to allow them to study their subjects at the level they would if they hadn't switched languages.

Age 16

Age 12

Age 7

As I process all this in writing, I know that I need to do to relieve the sense of being overwhelmed.

I need to begin this school year where I started when we began homeschooling 15 years ago. I need to cry out to God for wisdom. I need to cry out for wisdom every day. He will provide!

In fact, He already has provided the springboard of wisdom I was missing earlier today. I need to do what I did when we added our first trio of orphans to the family--I need to develop a schedule for our school days. At that point, we were doubling the number of our children from three to six. This time the change is different but no less impactful. We've added three children, two of our kiddos are in college from the home and manage their own time, and two of our children have moved to new locations. Our old schedule won't suffice.

I also need to keep doing what we've been doing since our very first day of homeschooling, way back when we lived in England. I need to keep reading aloud--a lot. This will help develop the vocabulary our newest three need while also making each school day fun.

I feel unoverwhelmed now. (And, yes, I know I just invented a word :)) I have a purpose tomorrow--create a new schedule. All the kids have enough school work to keep them busy while I work on that. From there? I'm not certain yet. but I am certain that I worship a God who will provide the wisdom. 

Photo of the Day

Our new daughter, Daria (15), on her first "date" with her first and only daddy

How Could I Have Forgotten So Easily?

Yesterday morning didn't go well around here. The only reason the afternoon went better was that I had several errands to run and was out of the house.

The whole morning was focused on what was going wrong around here. Let me rephrase that...I spent the whole morning focusing on what the kids were doing wrong around here. And when you have eleven children living at home, there are a lot of folks who can do a lot of sinning.

There's a problem with that last thought. In our home, there are perpetually a lot of folks who sin. Every day there are eleven children living here. So what made yesterday morning worse than any other morning?

Me.

Me. Me. Me. Me.

I was critical.
I was on a hunt. I wanted to "solve" the issues in our home--like messes left where they shouldn't be and children not focused on their schooling when they should be. And, of course, the axiom is true--when you look for the worst in people, you'll find it.

I ended up spending the entire morning in my bathroom, the correcting spot in our home, that place to which our children dread being summoned. Yesterday, I'd correct one child, step out of the bathroom and spy the next wrongdoer in action. Then we'd start all over again.

I was forgetful
In the midst of all the sin going on in our house, I forgot something utterly important--I'm a sinner, too. I forgot how easily I stumble and slip and slide my way into doing what I know to be wrong. And when I forgot yesterday morning, pride simmered quietly inside me. This is the kind of pride that feeds thoughts like, "Not this again!" "I've corrected you for this same issue _____ times, and you've done it AGAIN?!?" "I can't believe you'd treat me--your mother--this way!"

Oh, they were just quiet thoughts. They didn't get spoken yesterday. But because I forgot that I'm a sinner, too, these ugly, haughty thoughts, and others like them, were somewhere inside me fueling sinful disgust with my children.

I was Resistant
Because I became so easily focused on my children's sin and so forgetful of my own, I resisted doing things God's way. I didn't even come close to living what Paul says in these three power-packed verses yesterday morning:

"Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." (Ephesians 4:1,2 NASB)

As I've already said, I wasn't humble yesterday morning. When humility departed so did gentleness of spirit and patience and tolerance.

And without the meek, long-suffering, tolerance borne of love necessary to being a godly mom, I also resisted using my tongue as God commands:

"Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, that it might benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29 NIV)

I've learned it takes work to find things I can say to each child that builds that child up. I've also learned that the effort necessary pays off in a thousand sweet ways. However, yesterday I wasn't willing to work at encouraging my children. In my place of quiet, destructive pride, I viewed my kids as unworthy of the effort it takes to build them up and encourage them. This was rebellion against my God. What irony! Numerous times yesterday morning I corrected a child for rebelling against me.

I was Wrong
How do I make today different?

First, I confess to God my sins of yesterday. I get humble by remembering how often I "mess up".

Second, I seek the forgiveness of the kiddos I hurt and offended.
Third, I obey the Lord. He is all-wise and knows how a group of people--like moms and their children--can function well together. He has shared the secrets to peace in the home in His Word. Today, I'm determined to obey God.

I'm going to offer my kids the grace I withheld yesterday. I'm going to look for everything I can find to offer praise to them. The smallest tidbit of right behavior on their part will work.

I'm going to tell them thanks for helping no matter how minimal the effort is on their part.

I'm going to tell them where I see them maturing. I'm going to encourage them when I catch them interacting in a good manner with a sibling.

I'm going to tell my kids repeatedly that I love them--whether they do right or wrong.

I'm going to embrace all of them. I'm going to tickle the little ones. And the older ones? I'm going to place my hand on their shoulder in a way that says, "You're a blessing from God."

I will do all this utterly, fully dependent on God to provide strength and endurance to this perpetually tired mom.

A Better Morning
I'm thankful to God for a new morning with new mercies. I can start over. I can lavish love on my kids. I was a forgetful mother yesterday, but I'm determined to remember today.

I'm going to remember that over the course of several painful years I've learned that when my children get encouraged rather than torn down by their mom--the best comes out of them. I don't need to correct nearly so much. How could I have forgotten so easily yesterday?

'If Momma Ain't Happy'

I am slowly rereading a book I first encountered about a decade ago. At that time, my dear friend, Sheila, recommended the Christian classic to me. Holiness is a weighty book that isn't a quick read, but the meaty content is worth the effort.

The book's full title is: Holiness: Its Nature, Difficulties, Hindrances, and Roots. It was written by J.C. Ryle in the late 1880s. As I'm working my way through the chapter called "Holiness", I have been quite challenged by much of what I've read. However, nothing has touch my heart like the quote below. How glorious my Saviour is! How little I am like Him, even after being one of His followers for 35 years!

I can easily recognize how my living like Jesus in the way that Ryle so articualately describes would make such a difference in the "temperature" of our home. While its a somewhat crass saying, it is certainly true that, "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." The joy I wish to exude in my home and shower on my husband and children can only come from my saying, "No," to me and "Yes" to living humbly and selflessly for the sake of others. I pray the Lord will work the holiness Jesus exemplified into my very soul. I pray He will conform me into the image of His son. Then Momma will be happy more of the time and so will everyone else who lives under the same roof with me.

Ryle writes:
"A holy man will strive to be like our Lord Jesus Christ. He will not only live the life of faith in Him, and draw from Him all his daily peace and strength, but he will also labour to have the mind that was in Him, and to be conformed to His image (Rom. 8:29).

"It will be his aim to bear with and forgive others, even as Christ forgave us; to be unselfish, even as Christ pleased not Himself; to walk in love, even as Christ loved us; to be lowly-minded and humble, even as Christ made Himself of no reputation and humbled Himself.

"He will remember that Christ was a faithful witness for the truth; that He came not to do His own will; that it was His meat and drink to do His Father's will; that He would continually deny Himself in order to minister to others; that He was meek and patient under undeserved insults; that He thought more of godly poor men than of kings; that He was full of love and compassion to sinners; that He was bold and uncompromising in denouncing sin; that He sought not the praise of men, when He might have had it; that He went about doing good; that He was separate from worldly people; that He continued instant in prayer; that He would not let even His nearest relations stand in His way when God's work was to be done.

"These things a holy man will try to remember. By them he will endeavour to shape his course in life. He will lay to heart the saying of John: 'He that saith He abideth in [Christ] ought himself so to walk, even as He walked' (1 John 2:6)..."